“If I kill you now, who would ask of you? Who knows your family? You who hails from a lineage of fools that I married out of pity, Onwu-gbu kwaa gi (may death kill you)! My husband beats me, shouts and curses about anything and everything, draining the very essence out of my soul, my being. How can life be this difficult? He lashes out his frustrations on me, blames me for every single thing and is quick to speak ill of me in front of his family and even, church, friends and foes alike. He practically gossips about me just so that he would be termed the better person. I have lost face with members of his family, the pastor even (who
Recently, he has started reporting me to even members of my own family and family acquaintances for whatever reason I do not know.
He so twists the story and portrays me as bad that besides the fact that I am not allowed to speak up for myself, I do not even have a chance to easily redeem my image if I tried.
“I’m not allowed to buy anything for myself (not as though I have all the money. He even forcefully collects every penny I have from me) because he does not just want to own me but also everything I have. You
know once, I received a cash gift from a visiting relative and he (my husband) decides to collect the money from me. It is not the fact that he wanted it but the curses I had to receive and the reminder that he owns me and so everything I will ever have belongs to him (one of the many occasions when he has had to forcefully take things from me).
“My husband is quick to remind me how that I am a woman he married with his money and has every right over me. I never believed that there was a thing as marital rape, till I experienced it. It does happen. While I do not deny my sexual obligations to him; beating, cursing and tearing my clothing to have sex despite my pains and frustration do not certainly fit into the picture of how a man should desire his wife?
What morsel of confidence and self respect do I have left when I am quickly reminded that I reason like a goat and it is as a result of foolishness my parents and some other siblings had died? If anyone should abuse and treat me in this manner, should it be my husband who should have risen in my defence? I cannot talk to the children without his saying that I am turning them against him. What have I not seen? What has he not said? His threats to batter and strip me naked in the streets have almost become an anthem (he has actually come close to doing it). How about describing to anyone who cared to listen how he is going to kill and dismember my body?”
These are the words of Nneka (real names withheld because she said her husband would kill her if he read her in the media), a 45-year-old trader in one of the popular markets in Lagos, on her ordeals in the vice-like grip of her husband. When further asked during the week why she has not sought mediation from reliable third-parties or even left the man she considers “physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally abusive to the point of breaking” she lamented: “I wish I can, but he would not hear of it that I talked to someone else (not even the pastor) about it. A few people I mentioned it to asked that I endure it; that he is the man and men sometimes get like that. How about me the woman? Though the past ten years of my life (we have been married for fifteen years) has being simply hell, I cannot walk away because I have nothing to walk back to. No family (I have two surviving elder sisters in the village who cannot support me) no life, no money, nothing and who will I leave my children behind for? (We have become so scared of him that we find excuses to stay away from no matter how small the time). What will people say?” she ended, bursting into painful sobs.
Like Nneka, Lolade (real names withheld) shares a similar experience. Lolade (who resides in Lagos as well) is a graduate of Accounting` from one of the popular higher institutions of learning in the South-East region. She stopped work to get married and took to business immediately after. According to her, “I have been thoroughly abused. I have been beaten, wounded (she reveals scares on her back and thigh) and told that there is nothing I can do about it. My husband tells me that I will come to no good end and I am absolutely useless (then why would he not let me go away in peace?) I have four children for my husband and after the third, he thinks it is cool to get a neighbour’s maid pregnant, he finds it convenient to sleep around with my friends. He stopped my trade because he was protecting me from other men. God knows I will never think of cheating on my husband and I have come to terms (despite the hurt) with his philandering; but does he always have to rub it in that he has other children or threaten me with a divorce he will never grant? I am tired of being told how many other women he can comfortably get or that I am responsible for all of his misfortunes (how can I wish my husband ill?)
“My husband changes church like clothing and with every change, I have to follow him (I have come to bury my will under his for the sake of peace) but in the last church my daughter was abused by one of the leaders in the church. My daughter summons courage to share the experience and my husband beats me up for positioning her to challenge his authority and decisions. What will he not beat me up for? What kind of life and misery is this where I have to second guess every of my action for fear of assault?” she said.
Research has shown that more than two-thirds of Nigerian women are believed to experience physical, sexual and psychological abuse at the hands of their husbands. In fact, according to Stephane Mikala, Deputy Director of Amnesty International’s Africa program “on a daily basis, Nigerian women are beaten, raped and even murdered by members of their family for supposed transgressions, which can range from not having meals ready on time to visiting family members without their husband’s permission,” adding that “husbands, partners and fathers are responsible for most of the violence”.
Available statistics corroborate that 50 per cent of women have been battered by their husbands. 65 per cent of the educated women share in this experience, acknowledging that they have been beaten by their husbands, boyfriends or partner while 55 per cent of their low-income counterparts have been similarly abused. Most of them endure the abuse (like Nneka above, believing they have nowhere to go while also believing that the law will not protect them).
Saturday Tribune sought the opinion of some Nigerians on the subject. “More often than not, domestic violence sadly is not addressed for what is, in the African and Nigerian cultural settings. For some reason we have come to accept it as part of the parcel that comes along with marriage. When women like me complain, we are criticised for trying to be “western”; that in Africa, it was ok for a man to beat an erring wife. What this people do not realise is that they are gradually killing the women folk and forcing us to believe that it is alright, to accept it as chastisement from caring husbands. We are quickly reminded that one only corrects who they love but I ask at what price? Is it ok for me to be killed because I agreed to marry?, laments Bukola Akinwumi, a banker.
Okunriboye, a psychologist, takes the side of Bukola. For him “the belief that violence (which we do not see as what it is) is part and should be accepted as part of the African cultural system not only promotes the act, but also limits the help or whatever remedial actions victims would receive. It limits our ability to take strict measures against this gross act of inhumanity and if anything, women are often told to endure it which is sad. We fail to nip it in the bud and only momentarily lament when it is generally considered extreme. Men need to realise that they do not find strength assaulting a women because she is weaker. Would they do the same to a man like themselves? Femi Gbadebo also shared his views. He argues that “it is so bad that so much fuss is made when a woman assaults a man (not that it is ideal) and people wonder what kind of a man would allow a woman beat him up as though it is the heritage and place of men to assault women.
Women are bound by cultural and religious values which sometimes see women who challenge their abuse as being stubborn. I do not support it and will never assault my wife. Despite the fact that we all claim women have issues, so do men. If we as men have not and do not beat up those colleagues and friends who sometimes make us even angrier, why should we beat our wives?
On her part, Aminat (surname withheld), another consultant, posits that “violence against women for whatever reason is unpardonable and I do not encourage women to sit still in such situations. Most times we argue that we do not want to raise our children in broken homes and we try to manage. I do believe that raising one’s children in such environment is not even good for them because they grow up believing that it is ok, they end up beating their spouses (as males) or enduring worse situations (as females). Thus for me it is counterproductive, more like handing down a tradition of violence.” Similarly, Tega, a make-up artist, believes that most women endure violence because women who have previously endured such make their children believe that it is ok, a normal part of life. I do not support it and I believe that serious measures should be taken against it.”
“I have seen my mother endure violence as part of the burdens of marriage that I am not totally convinced about this whole marriage thing.
In fact, I am frightened by the mere thought of it. How do I explain that my mother gave up her life, dreams and everything at my father’s demand yet he still treats her badly, still compare her to other women who interestingly are doing well in their respective endeavours. I have seen my father beat my mother, call her names and threaten her with all sorts. Though my mother endures it, I do not wish it on any woman and will not take it myself, a respondent who chose to remain anonymous, disclosed.
For Bisi Abegunde, an accountant, “it is not justifiable on any grounds. Let us try not to live in denial of the fact that violence is violence to a wife or not. Why would we refer to it as violence when it is not to the wife or partner and term it otherwise as a disciplinary act when it concerns a spouse? On the contrary, Ginika Ezenwa, a teacher, believes that it is ok for her husband to beat her if she misbehaves. “Women sometimes can be annoying and so it is ok for a husband to discipline them in such situations so that they do not become wayward or get out of hand.”
So much has been said about domestic violence in Nigeria, especially when it is so grave enough to get the attention of the public. However, little or no actions follow the many condemnations the act receives. At present only four states in the country have enacted laws to prohibit the act and punish offenders.
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